Confession time: Universal’s FEMALE ON THE BEACH directed by Joseph Pevney and starring the ever
so intense Joan Crawford had been sitting on my shelf unwatched for years—FOR
YEARS. And people call me call a trash guru. Unforgivable, if you ask me. But
seriously, the main reason for this faux pas has been that I own so many titles—whether
they are movies, miniseries, TV shows or books—that I hardly know where to look
or, more importantly, when to focus on them. Well, now seems like a good idea for this 1955 black and white film also starring
then-hottie Jeff Chandler. I took a look at it over the Holidays and indeed found
it quite endearing in a so bad it’s so good manner.
Crawford plays a middle-aged rich widow who moves into
a beach house owned by her late husband. Cynical to the core but always dressed
to the nines, she has no time for romantic liaisons, or so she thinks. In comes
gigolo neighbour Chandler for whom she eventually falls deeply. What a girl to
do? Well, drink heavily when he doesn’t call, for once. Then when he does show
up, drop everything (except your heels to walk on the beach) just so to be near
him, which of course may lead to a proposal of marriage if you play your cards
right. 
As if all this wasn’t crazy enough, Crawford also ends
up discovering in the house a hidden diary in which a former tenant’s description
of her romantic attachments to Chandler led her to her death from the balcony.
Was she pushed? Was it accidental? I bet it wasn’t. But more importantly, will Crawford
be next and still look stunning? 
As mentioned in other posts, a lot more is going on in
this campy little number but I always chose to keep zilch as much as I can so
anyone interested in catching the film can happily simmer in the swing of
things—and this one does not disappoint, trust me. From the many mood swings of
our star heroine to the crazy turn of events, to the amazing shot of our gigolo
running into the ocean in a slightly girlish way, I’d say that FEMALE ON THE BEACH is indeed unintentionally
funny. And thank heaven for that, for I wouldn’t have it in any other way. Sadly,
this pure cinematic bonbon was to be
Crawford’s last glamorous film. What
followed before the actress made it big again with Baby Jane was a slew of
desperate housewives vehicles that are tamer in the looks department but no
less cuckoo. I’m talking about QUEEN BEE, AUTUMN LEAVES, THE STORY OF ESTHER
COSTELLO. You should check them out as you should FEMALE ON THE BEACH. It has been a while since TCM aired this gem.
I hope they put it on their schedule very soon.
Until next post—Martin
2 comments:
I read your review Female on the Beach not long after you posted it, but it was only recently that I finally found it streaming (yeah, I could've bought the DVD, but then I'm afraid it would sit on my shelf for years and years like yours did; also, I'm cheap). It was definitely worth the wait. I think I enjoyed the first half of it more, when Joan's a cynical bitch, than the second half, when Joan's swooning over Chandler. It might've helped if I wasn't viewing Chandler through current hunk standards (though Ed Fury didn't have the acting chops to withstand more than cameo in this one, it would be easier to accept that someone would dismiss all reason for a chance to have his body to themselves, but maybe that's just me). As you mentioned, Joan is always dressed to the nines. I'd question the believability of someone getting dressed up to just hang around the house, drinking, but I suspect Joan Crawford did this in real life. One more thing about Joan's look and then I'll stop: the hair had me thinking dolled up prison matron more so than wealthy and glamorous widow, but again I'm probably just viewing it unfairly through current beauty standards.
Hey John, love your comment. I'm glad you 've enjoyed the film as I did. Indeed, Joan's hair looks like a dolled up prison matron. Made me smile when I read that. Anyway, good to see you.
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