BAD GIRLS CLUB: PIA ZADORA IN ‘FAKE-OUT’

 

After watching the delectable THE LONELY LADY in the mid-‘80s on VHS I made the solemn vow to catch anything that starred Pia Zadora. It scarcely mattered if it was a film, an album, an invitation to some talk show. As long as there was her name on it I was a happy trooper. That’s how I came to rent 1982 FAKE-OUT a year later. I remember being very excited at the prospect of finally seeing her in something else. BUTTERFLY was still on my bucket list so I was really looking forward to enjoying this one. Did I? Well, read on, my little cyber friends, read on.

 

The best thing about FAKE-OUT (aka NEVADA HEAT)—besides having the lovely Pia sing the opening Last Vegas number (‘Those Eyes’) in freeze-frame shots while clad in a Bob Mackie original—is the first 17 minutes when she ends up being thrown in the slammer after refusing to testify against her mobster boyfriend. There the viewer gets to see Pia take a shower; grind her leotard-clad booty while conducting an inmate aerobic class; get tough love via a girl on girl (suggested only) gang bang action. Can we say CHAINED HEAT part deux? Not so, sadly, for what follows is all happening outside the slammer where screwball comedy is king and playing cat and mouse is a prerequisite.

 

Indeed, Pia’s character ends up buying her way out of prison and spending part of the movie trying to sneak out of the casino hotel room where custody cops Telly Savalas and Desi Arnaz Jr. keep her while she waits to see the DA. Of course she’ll fail miserably while developing an attraction to Arnaz who ends up taking her away in a luxury yacht where they fall in love and ultimately get shot at before the final credits roll. The movie is about 90 minute long but boy does it seem endless. Wooden characters, cringed-worthy situations, clichés abound, FAKE-OUT feels more like a collection of silly vignettes than an actual movie. Pia tries her best but once out of jail nothing really makes her shine. Still, we get to see her a lot, with or without her lack of chemistry with love interest Desi Arnaz Jr. Oh and Savalas gets to play a Kojak-like type once again minus the lollipop. Suffice to say his on-screen presence barely helps matters, but since he was still a pseudo-hot commodity back then, what do I know? All in all, a very disjointed film that started promising but quickly crashed and burned due mainly to everything falling flat. Where’s Nomi Malone when we need her.

 

C0-written, produced, and directed by Matt Climber who gave us the much better BUTTERFLY—Pia’s first major role—the year prior, FAKE-OUT is the remake of LADY COCOA (1975) by the same director. It stars Vegas sensation Lola Falana. Supposedly it is not so good either. I will still catch it one day and let you know all about it. In the meantime go watch or re-watch THE LONELY LADY or BUTTERFLY instead. You’ll have a better time. Trust me. Unless you’re a Pia Zadora super fan, then, by all means indulge yourself. But you have been warned.

 

Until next post—Martin